Nepalese Bus Journey - 13 eventful hours.....

Bus journeys in Northern India tend to be pretty terrifying but non eventful, in Nepal these journeys are even more terrifying and far more eventful.

Both Fernando and I were taken aback by the impatient and down right stupid approach to driving buses in Nepal. Our driver seemed to glean immense pleasure from terrorising local motorcyclists and other road users from through the forgotten art of tail gating and constant horn blowing.

The normal gentle sway of a well planned overtaking
manoeuvre, is replaced by achieving the minimal distance to the vehicle in front, without contact if possible, then through a series of swerving motions from right to left in to the oncoming traffic in an attempt to judge if there is any space to overtake the offending vehicle. If after 15 seconds no space has become available amidst the oncoming traffic, an emergency overtaking manoeuvre must be undertaken. This comprises of a sharp jerk of the bus steering wheel, thus sending the bus careering in to the path of the oncoming traffic. The drivers of the oncoming vehicles must make a quick decision. They must either swerve in to the dust or if enough stopping space is available come to a complete halt to allow the maniac driving the Deluxe Bus heading straight towards them in some crazy game of vehicular 'Chicken', to overtake without destroying their vehicle and possibly killing them in the process.

Even when it was blatantly clear that our bus would be in second place to the oncoming traffic in reaching narrow bridges or sections of road where only one vehicle could pass, our bus driver would bully his way in to position at 50mph well in advance..... At times coming to a skidding, screeching halt just before making mincemeat of the oncoming vehicle. It was simply incredible. Up ahead of our bus, moving in the same direction I watched in bewildered amusement at a bus and truck jostle, ending in a kissing collision with both vehicles sat on the roadside with drivers discussing who was most in the wrong. It was reassuring to see that it was not only our driver, but in fact many drivers of large buses who had the manners and road using etiquette of complete arseholes, who show scant regard for any road users who are not driving their bus. To add a little more tension to our 13 hour journey, our driver continued to use his mobile as he swerved in and out of vehicles along the high mountain passes.

How much do people pay these days for a pass at Disneyland, Alton Towers or Blackpool Pleasure Beach, having to suffer constant queues and broken down rides? For 13 hours of adrenaline filled fun in Nepal the cost is a mere £9.00. Incredibly good value I'm sure you'll agree.

8 hours in to the 'ride', the guy in front of me, having coated his snacks liberally with some dusty flavouring, tossed what was left of the sachet and it's contents of chilli powder flavouring out the window alongside his seat. I was unfortunate in that the offending packet of flaming powdered delight defied gravity just long enough to whizz back in my window, emptying it's entire contents in to my face, filling my right eye with scorching, scratching chilly heat filled pain. Nice! I have to tell you it smarted for a while! Afer tapping the guy on the head to show him what happened he apologised profusely. This did not ease my discomfort.

Little did I know things were set to get worse.....

With three hours of the journey to go my stomach gave a nasty kick. A really tight gurgling cramp. Something like Fernando had been suffering with over the past five days. I let the first cramp pass.

Ten minutes later my colon felt like it had contorted itself into a double half hitch. I winced with pain..... I fought for over half an hour. The bus should have stopped over ninety minutes ago for a break, but even if we had stopped then I'd have been none the wiser about what was ninety minutes down the line.

I began to panic. There were two choices.... and the second didn't bear thinking about.

I squeezed past a smiling Fernando, who couldn't help being amused by the situation. I knocked on the drivers cabin where the 'Schumacher Wannabe' and his two helpers perched coolly. I signalled for them to stop the bus, stating I needed the toilet.

The first guys shouted back, 'Soon.'

Well before 'Soon' was ever going to arrive I was pretty sure I was going to explode all over the interior of this 'Deluxe' vehicle. I sat back down..... A minute passed.... That was 'Soon' well gone for me. Another gut curdling cramp turned my intestines.....

I staggered back to the cabin, my face scored in pain and desperation. My audience of passengers no doubt wondering what on earth I was up to.

'Shit' I said.... Knowing they would understand. 'One minute' said the other guy, reading my desperation well. I shook my head with wide bulging eyes.

I stood on the steps by the door as the bus swerved in to the dust where a sandy track lead down toward the river. Fernando tossed a yellow roll of toilet paper my way. The driver shouted, 'One minute!' as I launched myself from the bus down the track as far as my guts could hold.

You don't need the details. They were unpleasant. As was the feeling of still having the bus in full sight as I squatted against the bank. The local men wandered past me to relieve their bladders as my body made sounds so shameful I prayed for a cubicle to form from the dust around me.

I returned to the bus relieved for now.

Within twenty minutes the cramps began again.....

I only had to battle for 10 minutes before the bus arrived at it's normal food stop.

Whilst everyone relaxed eating, drinking and stretching their legs, I sat squatted in the public loo feeling like death was nigh!

During the final hour of the journey, just to add insult to injury, a boy getting ready for Holi (The Festival of Colour) decided to water bomb the bus. The offending rubber bubble exploded on the edge of my half open window nicely soaking my face and chest...... Nepalese bus journeys - Wild and eventful.

We finally arrived in Kathmandu.

18^th March 2014:

Still a bit ill, feel like I've wasted a few days lying around. I even missed Holi, the Festival of Colour, where the locals and tourists drown one another in huge clouds of powdered brightness!

St Patrick's Night was spent in an 'Irish Pub', where I actually managed to meet Dermot from Wexford and his wife Abi. They were great company. I spoke about what I normally speak about.... You all know who that is. I drank two very slow beers, just to be involved. They'd been drinking since midday, but were fairing pretty bloody well considering.

I did have a stroke of good fortune when asking about how to get to the Bardia National Park from Kathmandu. A French guy call Benjamin whose been working in Nepal as a trekking guide for 12 years called up a friend of his in Bardia. He happened to be in Kathmandu.....

This guy owns a hotel in the Northern remote part of Nepal. He wants to promote the area and imparticular the fishing. Perfect!

So the day after tomorrow I head with him on an overnight 15 hour back breaker of a bus up to Bardia. I spend three days at Tiger Tops Karnali Lodge, where Amanda and I were going to get spoilt during this time last year.... Then I continue up in to the wilds to Miguel's place. After a few days I will make the horrendous set of bus journeys back to Pokhara, where I'll begin the Annapurna Circuit. Depending on time I may not get to complete it. It takes between 18 and 21 days. Depending how long I'm off the grid for chasing fish and Bengal tigers I may be short of time.... We'll see. What I do hope is that I'm feeling a sight better than I currently am.